The 2nd Annual Edition of "They Stuck What Up Where?"

Last year around this time, I wrote a blog about some of the reasons people end up in emergency rooms over the course of the year. Now we're not talking heart attacks, appendicitis, or even slicing off one's finger with an electric saw. No, these reasons are a little more... let's just say, exotic.

The list is compiled by the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission and same as last year, the people at Deadspin have put it in a most interesting order. So what have some of you wild and crazy people been up to this year? Honestly, I don't want to know.

Here is a partial list of what people (and let's not judge here) have inserted in various body orifices, only to realize, it ain't going out the same way it went in.

While fairly mundane, one does need to ask... why are these things in your EAR?
Make-up Brush
Gasoline
Butterfly...?
"CLASSMATE PUT A ROCK IN EAR, HAS PIECE OF PAPER IN OTHER EAR"... We will not ask where the scissors ended up.

NOSE:
Plastic eyeball...
Ear Plug... clearly these two people need a course in anatomy
2 Erasers... because one wasn't enough

THROAT:
Detergent Pack
Ball of String
Engagement Ring... aren't you curious if it was a man or woman who was trying to swallow the engagement ring?

And now here's where the real fun begins.
PENIS:
Dice
Sewing Needle... no matter how hard I try, I can't figure this one out
Plastic Pipe, Dental Floss with Beads... this has party written all over it
Antenna

VAGINA:
Pencil eraser... I had no idea erasers had such a tawdry other life
Spoon
Rivet
Glue Stick... really?

And as always, the perennial fun zone.
RECTUM:
Shampoo Bottle
Cologne Bottle
Lotion Jar
Soda Can... soda can?
Flashlight... what the hell are they looking for?
Pool Ball... the eight ball perhaps?
"PATIENT STATES HE GOT DRUNK AND PASSED OUT AT GIRLFRIENDS HOUSE, AWOKE WITH SPOONS AND DILDOS IN RECTUM"... hoping it is now an ex-girlfriend
Bathtub Stopper
Sock
Ice Pack
Toy Submarine.... I can't even go there

People, yes the body can be a pleasure machine, but let the big brain do some thinking before you insert foreign objects into the little brain, or other orifices.

It's New Year's Eve, don't drink and drive, and don't drive man-made materials into body cavities, unless they were specifically made for that purpose. This is not what they mean when they say "Use Your Imagination."

Party On.

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It's True, I Wouldn't Pull Your...

I swear this is not the way I was gonna start the week.

On Saturday, I read a tweet about a certain story and I bookmarked it, and thought I would use it at some point.  But today...well there was another quote from the Buffoon, and I just could not let either one go.

So we will just talk about both of them.

Did you hear about the newest invention by the Chinese? It seems they have developed a Sperm Extractor. uh huh. oh yeah. Why do for yourself when you can have a technology do it for you. Yes indeed, it seems that the Chinese have come up with a machine that gives blow jobs. Now it is being advertised as a method in assisting fertility patients who may have trouble extracting sperm using the old-fashioned method.  But I'm sorry... It is what it is.

The story also mentions there is a video screen which plays films to help with the extraction process. However it did not mention if the film was a User Manual or a film of someone using a more manual method.

You really have to see this to believe it, and here is the link to the story which contains a video of a demonstration...though sadly, only with a finger, not a penis.
Sperm Extractor Video

My question is...when this machine was ready for human trials...who the hell stood in line as a volunteer? Is there really a man alive who would really stick it in, let a machine grab hold and not less go until...well, clinically speaking...the sperm has been extracted? Yikes.

Second story on today's list is the latest from you guessed it...Rush. Dear god, as long as I write a blog, please keep him around. Seems old Rush now has proclaimed that women are responsible for shriveling dicks. He said it not me.

A story by Hello Ladies on blogher.com, included an audio clip of Limbaugh blaming the downsizing of the average man by 10%, not on the environmental reasons listed in an Italian study, but rather by "FeminNazi's" In the gospel according to Rush, the last 50 years of women burning bras has caused...well shrinkage. I admit it, the man leaves me speechless.

Now if we could only get Rush to try out the Chinese Sperm Extractor. Wouldn't that be fun?

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