They Stuck What Up Where?

Ok, so it's been a while since I did one of those kinds of posts. And this one really, really just made my day.

From Deadspin, the story is "What Did We Get Caught In Our Rectums This Year?" ho ho ho...and you thought that Christmas was over.

It seems that The Sun Sentinel out of Florida, has created a database of the reasons for emergency room visits across the country. And in true Deadspin fashion, they have created a list of visits sorted by "Insertions" and "Orifices." Fun stuff. We can scroll down past the normal accidents like a button or fly in the ear, and begin to wonder about why someone has hot wax, a screwdriver or a knife stuck in their ear.

The nose has a few interesting objects as well: a Crucifix, battery, hair barrette and a dixie cup. But let's skip down to the real nitty gritty. Here are a few items the emergency room workers were telling jokes at the bar about, after their shift ended.

Items stuck in a penis: spoon, plastic zip tie, soda can pop top, piece of timber, forks...plural. WTF?

Vagina: bedpost...someone most have been real lonely, toy microphone stand, piece of basketball shorts, sewing needles???

And the most fun orifice, the rectum: french bread...I guess for making a sandwich after, hand wrench, cigarette lighter, vial of bath salts, drum stick...not specified whether a wooden one or a piece of chicken, various bottles, and artificial Christmas tree branch and a loofa with suction cup and hook atttached.

Whoa. What comes to mind is the line from Bill Murray's character in Stripes, when they recruits are all telling their life stories and he says "I wanna party with you guys." Seriously, a hand wrench up the ass?

Now, I haven't lived the most sheltered life, but this list has just got me flummoxed (I don't think I've ever used that word in a post before, how exciting). Somehow when they talk about heating up your sex life, I didn't think they meant shoving a cigarette lighter up your butt.

ouch.

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