They Put what Up Where? It's Back for 2014

I apologize.
Here we are going into the last week in January and I have yet to post the annual list of things that have become stuck in people's orifices. Or as I like to call it... They stuck what up where?

Yes indeed, the good people at Deadspin have combed the data banks of hospital emergency rooms, so that we may shudder, wince and say "what in the serious fuck were these people thinking?"

So in the immortal words of Flick, let's see what's "stuck, Stuck, STUCK!"

Starting with the Ear:

• a walkie-talkie antenna...hello, hello, anybody home?
• glow stick... I expect if you look in the other ear you would see the light, because it's obvious there's no brain matter inside of that head
• a tampon...I would think the label gives directions for use, perhaps not.

Nose:

• miniature hockey puck... at least they didn't try a full sized one
• 10 sided dice... when a six sided die just isn't enough
• a lithium tablet... clearly this person has other issues
• "used a metal coat hanger to swat a bee off of his neck and coat hanger went up his nose"...this is where I started to get confused

Penis:

• "plastic spoon and perhaps a pencil"...perhaps?
• "stuck a nail in urethra and it migrated up into the bladder"... eew, and painful

 Vagina:

• knitting needles...I can't even
• bag of crystal meth... I think we can imagine the circumstances for this
• bathtub stopper... rub-a-dub-dub
• 10" steak knife... who the hell would do this?
• billiard ball... was it the 8 ball?
• "put a bag of money in the vagina to hide it from her husband"... guess that was someplace he didn't have access to

And last but not least, the Rectum:

• air freshener...someone didn't read the label
• tent stakes... hope it was just for a pup tent
• phone cord...cell phone reception must have been spotty
• ice pick...what's the attraction to sharp, pointy objects?
• rolled up stack of plastic trash bags... no comment
• keys... so you never lose them

People, y'all are messed up. Just stop. Oh and for you guys who "accidentally" fall on a toothbrush holder or can of spray paint or a turkey baster... ain't no one buying that shit.

As usual this was... interesting. And we get to do it again next year.

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The 2nd Annual Edition of "They Stuck What Up Where?"

Last year around this time, I wrote a blog about some of the reasons people end up in emergency rooms over the course of the year. Now we're not talking heart attacks, appendicitis, or even slicing off one's finger with an electric saw. No, these reasons are a little more... let's just say, exotic.

The list is compiled by the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission and same as last year, the people at Deadspin have put it in a most interesting order. So what have some of you wild and crazy people been up to this year? Honestly, I don't want to know.

Here is a partial list of what people (and let's not judge here) have inserted in various body orifices, only to realize, it ain't going out the same way it went in.

While fairly mundane, one does need to ask... why are these things in your EAR?
Make-up Brush
Gasoline
Butterfly...?
"CLASSMATE PUT A ROCK IN EAR, HAS PIECE OF PAPER IN OTHER EAR"... We will not ask where the scissors ended up.

NOSE:
Plastic eyeball...
Ear Plug... clearly these two people need a course in anatomy
2 Erasers... because one wasn't enough

THROAT:
Detergent Pack
Ball of String
Engagement Ring... aren't you curious if it was a man or woman who was trying to swallow the engagement ring?

And now here's where the real fun begins.
PENIS:
Dice
Sewing Needle... no matter how hard I try, I can't figure this one out
Plastic Pipe, Dental Floss with Beads... this has party written all over it
Antenna

VAGINA:
Pencil eraser... I had no idea erasers had such a tawdry other life
Spoon
Rivet
Glue Stick... really?

And as always, the perennial fun zone.
RECTUM:
Shampoo Bottle
Cologne Bottle
Lotion Jar
Soda Can... soda can?
Flashlight... what the hell are they looking for?
Pool Ball... the eight ball perhaps?
"PATIENT STATES HE GOT DRUNK AND PASSED OUT AT GIRLFRIENDS HOUSE, AWOKE WITH SPOONS AND DILDOS IN RECTUM"... hoping it is now an ex-girlfriend
Bathtub Stopper
Sock
Ice Pack
Toy Submarine.... I can't even go there

People, yes the body can be a pleasure machine, but let the big brain do some thinking before you insert foreign objects into the little brain, or other orifices.

It's New Year's Eve, don't drink and drive, and don't drive man-made materials into body cavities, unless they were specifically made for that purpose. This is not what they mean when they say "Use Your Imagination."

Party On.

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They Stuck What Up Where?

Ok, so it's been a while since I did one of those kinds of posts. And this one really, really just made my day.

From Deadspin, the story is "What Did We Get Caught In Our Rectums This Year?" ho ho ho...and you thought that Christmas was over.

It seems that The Sun Sentinel out of Florida, has created a database of the reasons for emergency room visits across the country. And in true Deadspin fashion, they have created a list of visits sorted by "Insertions" and "Orifices." Fun stuff. We can scroll down past the normal accidents like a button or fly in the ear, and begin to wonder about why someone has hot wax, a screwdriver or a knife stuck in their ear.

The nose has a few interesting objects as well: a Crucifix, battery, hair barrette and a dixie cup. But let's skip down to the real nitty gritty. Here are a few items the emergency room workers were telling jokes at the bar about, after their shift ended.

Items stuck in a penis: spoon, plastic zip tie, soda can pop top, piece of timber, forks...plural. WTF?

Vagina: bedpost...someone most have been real lonely, toy microphone stand, piece of basketball shorts, sewing needles???

And the most fun orifice, the rectum: french bread...I guess for making a sandwich after, hand wrench, cigarette lighter, vial of bath salts, drum stick...not specified whether a wooden one or a piece of chicken, various bottles, and artificial Christmas tree branch and a loofa with suction cup and hook atttached.

Whoa. What comes to mind is the line from Bill Murray's character in Stripes, when they recruits are all telling their life stories and he says "I wanna party with you guys." Seriously, a hand wrench up the ass?

Now, I haven't lived the most sheltered life, but this list has just got me flummoxed (I don't think I've ever used that word in a post before, how exciting). Somehow when they talk about heating up your sex life, I didn't think they meant shoving a cigarette lighter up your butt.

ouch.

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