Tuesday, January 29, 2013

In a Wine Store...It's Not All Rose

My mother drinks cheap champagne. There I've said it. And technically it's not champagne, it's sparkling wine. Cheap sparkling wine. She takes a glass of champagne, adds a few drops of Framboise, a raspberry liqueur, and enjoys a nightcap before going to bed. When she runs low on supplies, it's time for me to go to the liquor store to bring in the reinforcements. Today was one of those days.

Now the store with a great selection and great prices is about seven miles away and a pain to get to. The store is large with too narrow aisles and extra displays and clutter in them. So you have all these people with extra large shopping carts trying to get past each other like cars on a narrow street. People actually cede their right of way.

First up, some beer. When I didn't see a case of what I was looking for, I asked the stock girl who was in that aisle if they had it. No. Okay. I then look in the cooler that is maybe ten feet away and what do I see...just what I was looking for. Strike one.

If you are buying a case of wine or champagne, they need to bring it out to you. So I corner a salesman/snob, tell him what I want and he looked at me in pure disgust. Really, you want that? It's dreadful. Yes, he said a product his store was selling was dreadful. And he was British, so it really sounded...dreadful. Now I admit I was off my game because normally I would have let him have it. But I just said, yes, it is dreadful but my mother likes it and would you please get it for me. Strike two.

As I wait at customer service for the case, another salesman comes over and asks if I need anything. No, I'm waiting for a case. What are you waiting for? I tell him and he gives me the look. Well, how about trying... Now I'm getting pissed but just want to get out so I say no thanks. And I wait. Apparently all the stock clerks in the cellar are on lunch. And I wait.

Finally, I get the case and go to the register where I tell the woman I will pay for my order and my mother's order separately. Fine, she says. Then proceeds to scan it all together. Not ten seconds later. Strike three.

Needless to say, I was very happy that I came home with alcohol.


Ladies and Gentlemen...Our Next Contestant

A few weeks ago I wrote a blog titled "Can You Say Crazy Cat Lady?" where this crazy cat lady had the images of five of her dead cats tattooed on her back.

Well, don't start ringing that bell and calling her the winner in the crazy cat lady race just yet. Another contestant has just stepped into the ring. Lisa (no last name given for obvious reasons), eats cat hair. Yes you read it correctly.

She eats cat hair.

She will pick it up off the couch, the floor..the freakin' floor, and yes, even off the cat itself. By licking it. She actually grooms the cat with her tongue. But apparently even she knows there are lines you shouldn't cross, as she proudly tells you that she doesn't lick the cat's ass or between its toes. omfg.

In an episode from the TLC program My Strange Addiction, this 43 year-old woman from Detroit is seen repeatedly grabbing pieces of fur and putting it into her mouth. And chewing. Words cannot really describe how revolting this is, so take a look for yourself.

Warning: Not for the squeamish. Click here for video

You know, we all have a little crazy in us, most of us try to hide it from the world. Some can't. But it seems to me this woman should be able to keep this part of her crazy under wraps. Hopefully this is her cry for help.

Wonder how often she actually coughs up a hairball. I'll leave you with that image.
You're welcome.


Thursday, January 24, 2013

Another Little Moment to Remember: And She Was...

A quick story today.

Yesterday, I took the dog to the vet to have her stitches removed. It was two weeks since the surgery and I was able to keep the cone on her head for the entire time. As a result, the incision healed beautifully.

The first few days living with her and the cone were heartbreaking. We don't have the most open living space, and Hershey was crashing that cone into everything. It would scare the shit out of her...every time. Teaching her to go up the stairs was interesting, she would get stuck every time until she finally learned to pick her head up as she ascended. Outdoors wasn't much fun either. Banging on street signs, hitting the ground...she was not happy. Could you blame her?

By the second week she had adjusted reasonably well. Actually she handled it better than any other dog I have owned. She learned how to use it as a weapon...really. If she wanted a little attention...bang, she would come crashing into you. If she was hungry...boom, right into my kneecap. We were all very ready for the conehead experiment to be history.

As she is used to being a traveling dog, she was more than happy to get in the car for a change of scenery. The stitches were removed, the cone taken off and back into the car for the drive home. Normally she is fairly good in the car. She will lie down, get up to change position, but if you tell her to, she will go back down. Yesterday, not so much.

She would not listen. I kept yelling at her and she kept ignoring me. I didn't quite get it until I turned around and looked at her. Her tail was wagging, her eyes were wide open and she was smiling. Yes, she was smiling. If you've ever owned a dog, you know when they are happy and other times when they smile.

She stood in the back and just looked out the window and took in all the sights that were hidden from her field of vision while she was wearing the cone. She just smiled.

So I stopped yelling...and I smiled too.


Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Beyond Beyonce

Enough already with  BeyonceGate. She did, she didn't...who the hell cares.

Seriously people, it's time to get a grip. Did she sell government secrets to the Russians? Did she beat the crap out of Jay-Z in a domestic dispute? Did she even have a wardrobe malfunction? NO.

Ok, it was the inauguration and others sang live, so what. We should all be pretty used to lip-syncing. Whitney doing the anthem at the 1991 Super Bowl...yeah. And that performance has been held as the gold standard ever since.

All you kids who pay a lot of money to see those dance acts who think they are singers, you know the chart toppers these days...do you really think there are no backtracks they sing with, while they are trying to dance? And how about using auto-tune...because most of these "stars" really can't sing live. Don't get me started on that shit.

So stop with this Beyonce scandal. Most likely she did what is the norm...sang live over a recorded track. Big freakin' deal. Would it have been more of a story if she sang it live and didn't hit one of those notes...ah yes, we would be watching that non-stop on the news.

THE NEWS...yes, but this is not news.

Yesterday there was another shooting at a college, people all over the country are dealing with a bitter cold spell, many innocent people were killed in Algeria and this country is focused on whether or not Beyonce sang live.

America, wake the fuck up.


Friday, January 18, 2013

Back in Black, Baby

She's gone, she's gone. Replaced by a hotter chick.

The mini-van adventure is over. On Wednesday, I finally obtained the accident report from the police. It took a damn week and would have taken longer if I hadn't gone just a bit Jersey on them. It seemed the report was ready, but the Captain who had been on duty the night the idiot woman blew a tire, lost control of her car and hit the only damn car parked on the entire street, well the Captain needed to sign off on the report and he wasn't scheduled in until Friday night. Seriously, WTF?

Considering no work to repair my car could be done until the police report would reveal the name of the other insurance company and we could get their adjuster to take a look at it, waiting until the weekend was unacceptable. A little attitude, a little begging for sympathy and two hours later, the report was ready.

Out the door to drive the half hour to pick it up and drop it off at the body shop where, while talking to these wonderful people about the mini-van thing, the lovely Nicole mentioned someone had just picked up their repaired car and brought back a 2013 Ford Escape...you want it? Hell yeah. She made every phone call: to my insurance, to the other woman's insurance, to my rental company to the new rental company. Within ten minutes we were outside pulling my items of out the mini-van and stopping at the new rental company. Ten minutes after that, I was driving a 4-wheel drive car once again.

They say I should have my car back in two weeks. At least until then I'm rolling in a car that has a little attitude. And no sliding doors.

Like I always say...the joy's in the ride.



Monday, January 14, 2013

FaceBook: I Am Not Your Friend

About a week ago I did something which still sends chills up my spine every time I think about it...

I started a personal FaceBook page. ugh.

Now, I have had a FB page for Kat's Theory for a little while, but that was as a brand...not a person. All I basically have on there are my blogs, and other stuff I've written that is published online. Fine, not much interaction...it was just a tool. But then I started writing at SprocketInk.com, and they have a group FB page where they throw ideas around, discuss any issues which may come up and basically make fun of each other. Well, dammit, I was missing out on all that fun because of the type of page I had. So I gave in. ugh.

Now, while I have enjoyed the interaction with my fellow Sprockets, holy shit, who are all these people I don't know wanting to be my friend?

I hate FB, though hate is really not a strong enough word. Just how invasive it is astounds me every day. While it has been nice to reconnect with a few people I lost track of along the way, friends of friends of friends, and friends of acquaintances...well, I'm not interested and I really don't have the time to sift through family pictures, advice and gossip of people I don't know.

So people, here are Kat's Rules for FB:

  1. If I don't know you, I'm not gonna be your friend.
  2. Even if I do know you, I may not be your friend. I am basically on FB for one reason, unfortunately a lot of crap comes along with it. For my personal sanity, I need to keep it at a minimum.
  3. If I am your friend, don't expect a lot of interaction. I may like something if it's humorous or interesting to me, but there will be no commenting on your kids snow pictures, family vacations or what level you are up to in Farmland. 
I don't mean to be rude, that is not my intention. I'm just really not all that interested in FB or people who have a connection to me three times removed. And you shouldn't be interested in me either. Trust me, there's not going to be anything juicy on my FB page.

And honestly, I don't think you would really "Like" me all that much anyway.
Thank you and have a nice day.


Saturday, January 12, 2013

Walking and Free Falling

There's something to be said for a 50+ degree day in January...in the Poconos. And this is what I will say... freakin' great.

As some of you already know, this was not exactly a fun-filled week for me. A business meeting with a dinner after turned into a smashed car and not having a real meal for almost twenty-four hours. Throw in the dog having a tumor removed the next morning and you find me ten at night lining up a rental car and trying to decompress.

Special thanks for my friends and co-workers who called AAA, the body shop and took pictures as I tried not to pass out from stress, hunger and the cold. Things pretty much worked out with the car, the dog is finally adjusting to the cone on her head, and the week ended with taking my mother to the oncologist. Almost four years since her diagnosis, everything is still looking good.

Not as happy about the damage to the car. Before they even start it's over $6000 in damage and will probably be another three weeks with me driving a mini-van. And here I was looking forward to driving an all-wheel drive car during the winter.

So after this I-have-no-idea-what-my-blood-pressure-reading-might be kind of week, it was a nice change to be able to clear my head during a three-mile walk. While the snow is still beautiful, it's no longer the pristine blanket it was two weeks ago. The melting snow has the small streams making small talk and the deer, while still in their winter herds, are no longer walking in file.

Plugged in the iPhone, hit shuffle and turned my face to the sun. A couple of songs in, I realized the lake was really quiet. Most weekenders aren't up during the winter, and the full-timers seemed to be having a lazy day. I started singing along with Tom Petty's "Free Falling," though not quite as exuberantly as Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire, but enough to make me glad it was winter and I was alone with nature.

It's been a while since the weather and time has cooperated to give me my 45 minute therapy session, this was the perfect week to be so lucky.


Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Mini Van and Cone Head

Well, let's just say the new year is not quite the barrel of monkeys I had hoped it would be. Ok, so I really didn't want it to be a barrel of monkeys, I'm actually not a fan of monkeys...whatever.

In April, I did a few posts about the need for a new car, the search for a new car and finally the purchase (yay) of a new car. It was lovely, even has heated seats, which are just wonderful. Well today that new car sits in a body shop waiting for someone to replace various pieces of her once pristine body.

The story goes like this. Had a business meeting last night and when I came out, my car was not quite in the condition I had seen it three hours earlier. It seems a woman had a flat/blowout, lost control of her car and smacked into mine. I haven't seen the accident report yet, but she must have been turning off the main road onto this side street where there probably wasn't ANY OTHER CAR PARKED, and with all this empty space all around...bam, right into the Subaru. What are the odds on that?

Back bumper, quarter panel, wheel, tire and side mirror...smashed. For the life of me I can't understand how neither the front or back doors weren't hit, but the side view mirror was demolished. And did I happen to mention the dog was scheduled for surgery this morning at nine? Oh yeah, there's that.

It's now nine at night and there's all the phone calls to make. Arrange for the car in the morning...they would pick me up but since they were closed already my insurance company recommended I go there in the morning to be sure I got the car in time to take the dog. Still with me? Closest one is in the next town about a mile and a half away. So the morning started off with a nice walk to get a ride. My choices, a Fiat which I could fit in my purse, a couple of compacts and a mini van. God help me, but I need the room. We have a big dog and a lot of stuff which gets transported back and forth from the weekend house.

I took the mini van.

You get no respect when you drive a mini van. You can actually feel people giving the "ha, you're driving a mini van" look. It does however have a good stereo system. It does not however, do anything for my image.

Got the dog to the vet, surgery went well and as you can see in the picture, she is looking quite spiffy in her headgear.

Better than I look in a mini van. It's gonna be a long couple of weeks.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Can You Say Crazy Cat Lady?

The British are just so much more polite than we Americans are. Across the pond, as they say, if someone does something really freakin' stupid, do they say "What the fuck is wrong with you" as we would over here. Or maybe that's just me, but whatever, no they would not. They would say something like "Well, that's interesting but I'm not sure I would do that."

Case in point, this crazy cat lady who had the faces of her dead cats tattooed on her back. Yep. And at last count, there were five little kitties inked permanently. Plus, they had accessories: a dunce cap on one, another wears a monocle. Really, a monocle.

By the way, this woman is only twenty-three. I predict a lot of one-night stands with the lights definitely OFF.    Because...
photo from Wales News Service

Zeeks. That's naked that shouldn't be.

Anyway, the comments in the online newspaper where this was posted, ranged from "a complete catastrophe" to "What a wonderful thing to do for those cats" to "A nice memory I suppose, but not for me."

Really? I'm sorry but I'm calling batshit crazy here.

How do I say that in British? Asking for a friend.


Friday, January 4, 2013

Because We All Want To Listen To Al-Jazeera

"To give voice to those who are not typically heard; to speak truth to power; to provide independent and diverse points of view; and to tell the stories that no one else is telling."

... quote by Al Gore

Right. And $100 million smackeroos.

Former Vice President and Almost President Al Gore has sold his under-performing cable TV network, Current TV to Arab news channel Al-Jazeera. The same Al-Jazeera that always ended up with the audio and video tapes of Osama Bin Laden. You remember him, the piece of crap who started his own holy war against America, before one of our Navy Seals put a bullet between his eyes.

So Mr. Gore decided Al-Jazeera needed a voice, needed to be heard. So glad he is concerned about free speech. But wait...wasn't it his wife Tipper (since separated), who while playing second lady of the country, decided to limit free speech by having albums rated and stickered with an obscenity rating system?

Guess free speech only matters when there are a lot of zeroes at the end of a check.

Badly played Mr. Gore, very badly played.


Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Passing the Buck but not Passing the Bill

All we can legally do is kick them out of office, but if I had my way I'd be kicking them some other way. Use your imagination.

Who? Well, let's just say the House of Representatives and more precisely, Speaker of the House John Boehner. What a piece of crap. Instead of putting the $60 Billion Hurricane Sandy Relief Bill up for a vote before the end of the current session of Congress, Boehner decided it "wasn't a good time" for a vote.

As New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, a Republican, took his party to task for allowing this vote to pass by the wayside, and require a new bill to be drawn up, further delaying desperately needed Federal Aid, I could not have been more proud of the Governor of my state. Calling it neither a Republican nor Democratic issue, Christie raked those responsible for the lack of action, over the coals. It was a passionate and spot-on speech.

In previous hurricane disasters, Congress voted for Federal Aid within a very short amount of time:
Hurricane Andrew: 31 Days
Hurricane Gustav/Ike: 17 Days
Hurricane Katrina: 10 Days
Hurricane Sandy: 66 Days and counting

As the day went on, the outrage for the apparent "could care less" attitude by the Speaker, had reached even his previously deaf ears. He finally agreed to a meeting with angry members of his party, including NY Rep. Peter King, a man you really don't want to piss off. As of now, they will vote on a small part of the Aid package on Friday, with the rest to be taken up when the new Congress begins their session later this month.

This is a disgrace of major proportions. While thousands of families in New York and New Jersey spent the holidays displaced, with no relief in sight, these members of Congress were warm and happy with their families. Work on rebuilding the Jersey Shore, where tourism is the main commerce, cannot get any traction without the much needed package. And still, they let the Bill flounder.

At this point, all we can do is to remember that once again, politicians put the desperate needs of the American people on the back burner and did nothing.
I for one, will not forget.

Please watch Governor Christie's speech and see what an elected official of the people should be...an official willing to do the business of the people without regard to party or whose toes he might be stepping on.

(Speech begins at the 1 minute mark. If it doesn't auto load, double click)

Watch live streaming video from governorchrischristie at livestream.com

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

A Shameful Post

Yeah, yeah...it's a new damn year.

As you can see, getting a better attitude was not on the list of resolutions. Or maybe it was and I have already failed. Whatever.

I don't really do resolutions. Last year I wrote a tongue in cheek look at what I hoped to attain in the coming year. Was I successful, well, I still have an attitude, I still laugh a lot, I still find joy in as much as I can and I still have a big problem backing down. Tough.

With the exception of losing my hero, this year wasn't bad. A bunch of new doors have opened for me, I've made a lot of great contacts, enjoyed a lot of live music and reconnected with some people who are very important in my life. It also means I'm a year older and the numbers I'm hitting ain't pretty.

So what's in store for 2013? Who the hell knows. I was just gonna laze around today and not even write until I started reading all my online peeps new posts. So I start my new year being shamed into writing. All things considered, I've been shamed into a lot worse.

Will I write a novel? Very doubtful...my attention span lately is more twitter-like than War and Peace. I will write short. Lately, I've been doing a lot of short. For someone who up to a couple of years ago, avoided an online footprint like the plague, I am now everywhere like dogshit crabgrass. I guess that's a good thing.

So thanks to all of you who have stopped by from time to time... personally I don't get it. I am grateful though. Hopefully I will continue to amuse, annoy or fill you with apathy for some time to come.

First of the year, one post written. And I didn't even have anything to say.

I guess you might have noticed that.
It is what it is.
Happy New Year.