Monday, June 15, 2015

The Sea World Commercial Makes Me Just Want To Spit



Does anyone else get as pissed off as I do every time you see the Sea World commercial with the two trainers trying convince themselves of the bullshit they are reciting about what a great place Sea World is for whales and other sea creatures? Yeah, that.



Honestly, it makes me just want to punch the screen. Really. Let's take a look at what they say, and what it really means.

They haven't captured whales from the oceans in over thirty-five years. What that really means is that most every one of their whales has never had the chance to actually swim in the ocean. They have spent their entire life within the Sea World compound. They are sea creatures who have never experienced swimming in the sea.

Our whales are thriving. Is there anyone alive who can really believe that creatures who are meant to live without boundaries and can travel 100 miles a day, are really "thriving" in a tank with a maximum depth of 50 feet and about 350 feet in length. Or think about a 100 mile play area vs. 1.5 acres. Yeah, I'll bet they're thriving.

Our whales live as long as their wild counterparts. Well hold on there Nelly, 30- 50 years is considered the average life expectancy in the wild, with females living considerably longer than males. Orcas in captivity have a median age expectancy of 12-16. While the Sea World whales are living longer than before, their quality of life is nothing but dismal. There can be no justification for having an intelligent mammal confined to swimming in circles for its entire existence, only to be brought out for shits and giggles in front of throngs of vacationers too giddy to think of the environment the animal has to endure.

We love them. And we know you love them too. You know, I think that is the part of the commercial that bothers me the most. That toothy smile on the woman who ends off the commercial is such a bullshit psychological ploy it makes me sick. No, I don't love the whales, I respect them as fellow creatures on this planet who should live as they were meant to live.

What is the old saying... If you love someone, set them free. Yes, I wish they would.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Ladies, Start Your Engines: The "Little Pink Pill" Gets Approved



Yes I know. It's been quite some time since I've posted anything new here. Truth be told I haven't found too many things all that interesting lately. Ok, I've been lazy. That too. But today there it was on TV, my haha moment that just needed to be addressed.


Flibanserin, also known as "the little pink pill," is the female equivalent of Viagra. I think we are all aware of the purpose of "the little blue pill."

Here is a partial list of Viagra's side effects:

  • sudden vision loss
  • ringing in your ears, or sudden hearing loss
  • chest pain or heavy feeling, pain spreading to the arm or shoulder, nausea, sweating, general ill feeling
  • irregular heartbeat
  • swelling in your hands, ankles, or feet
  • shortness of breath
  • vision changes
  • feeling light-headed, fainting
  • penis erection that is painful or lasts 4 hours or longer
Of course the last one on the list is the one that gets all the press... and the jokes. But let's compare the two lists. Viagra was approved in 2002 with a list of side effects that can leave you deaf, blind and hard as a rock, while the female version (Girosa will be the trade name) might lower your blood pressure, make you a little dizzy or possibly make you faint. Are they freakin' kidding me? If that pill works like it supposed to, I'm thinking low blood pressure is not gonna be an issue.

Does it seem weird to any of you that when the girls finally get the fun pill that the boys have had for over a decade, the FDA decided that they need to work on its side effects? Fainting vs. Vision Loss; Dizziness vs. a 4 Hour Hard On. Really? 

I don't know about you, but I'm calling bullshit on this whole FDA approval thing. 

Friday, April 3, 2015

Tolerance; Remember That?

tolerance [tol-er-uh ns] 

noun
1.
a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, beliefs, practices, racial or ethnic origins, etc., differ from one's own;freedom from bigotry.

It seems to me, we all used to have a lot more of it.

If there was a kid who was nerdy, dorky...someone who saw things or did things differently, you gave him the side eye, maybe busted his chops once in a while, but he was tolerated. He wasn't bullied into taking his own life.

If you were a little/lot more liberal/conservative than others, you still listened to their point of view, and maybe just sometimes, you found common ground. Different views were tolerated. Just dismissing someone else's voice because it's not the same as yours does no one any good.

If your neighbor's faith was a different than yours, their right to worship was respected; it was tolerated. There was no fear you would be slaughtered for growing up with a different belief system.

And now we have the elected powers in so many states trying to enact laws for what should just be human decency. Tolerance. In an effort to offend no one, they have offended everyone.

And those who refuse to accept what the majority has already endorsed find themselves ostracized, even ruined. Right or wrong, where is the tolerance?

It is now a time of sound bites instead of news reports, text messages instead of conversation, reality TV instead of reality. We don't take the time to listen to one another or even think for ourselves. We read a Tweet and accept its message as truth... all 140 characters of it. Our tolerance for learning the entire story is gone.

Today begins a holy weekend for most people. None of us can change overnight, but we can each try and accept... ideas and people.

If you dig deep enough, you just might find a little tolerance.

.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

They Put what Up Where? It's Back for 2014

I apologize.
Here we are going into the last week in January and I have yet to post the annual list of things that have become stuck in people's orifices. Or as I like to call it... They stuck what up where?

Yes indeed, the good people at Deadspin have combed the data banks of hospital emergency rooms, so that we may shudder, wince and say "what in the serious fuck were these people thinking?"

So in the immortal words of Flick, let's see what's "stuck, Stuck, STUCK!"

Starting with the Ear:

  • a walkie-talkie antenna...hello, hello, anybody home?
  • glow stick... I expect if you look in the other ear you would see the light, because it's obvious there's no brain matter inside of that head
  • a tampon...I would think the label gives directions for use, perhaps not.

Nose:

  • miniature hockey puck... at least they didn't try a full sized one
  • 10 sided dice... when a six sided die just isn't enough
  • a lithium tablet... clearly this person has other issues
  • "used a metal coat hanger to swat a bee off of his neck and coat hanger went up his nose"...this is where I started to get confused

Penis:

  • "plastic spoon and perhaps a pencil"...perhaps?
  • "stuck a nail in urethra and it migrated up into the bladder"... eew, and painful

 Vagina:

  • knitting needles...I can't even
  • bag of crystal meth... I think we can imagine the circumstances for this
  • bathtub stopper... rub-a-dub-dub
  • 10" steak knife... who the hell would do this?
  • billiard ball... was it the 8 ball?
  • "put a bag of money in the vagina to hide it from her husband"... guess that was someplace he didn't have access to

And last but not least, the Rectum:

  • air freshener...someone didn't read the label
  • tent stakes... hope it was just for a pup tent
  • phone cord...cell phone reception must have been spotty
  • ice pick...what's the attraction to sharp, pointy objects?
  • rolled up stack of plastic trash bags... no comment
  • keys... so you never lose them


People, y'all are messed up. Just stop. Oh and for you guys who "accidentally" fall on a toothbrush holder or can of spray paint or a turkey baster... ain't no one buying that shit.

As usual this was... interesting. And we get to do it again next year.

.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

A Few Weekend Observations


After spending a relaxing weekend driving over 1000 miles throughout seven states, here are a few things I have noticed.

People have no friggin' clue how to merge onto a highway. When cars on the highway are moving at 70-75 mph and you pull onto the highway doing 40, if I don't hit your ass, I'm gonna be cursing it out.

People in New Hampshire take the 30 mph speed limit a little too seriously. In Jersey, we tend to take it as a suggestion, it works better that way.

People, if I'm doing 75-80 mph, in a 65 mph zone, and the highway is basically empty except for me and you, I would appreciate if you would just pass me instead of riding up my ass.

I truly hate driving in the state of Massachusetts. Crossing over the state line after driving forever through Vermont without a rest area in sight, the words "Welcome Station Exit 26" were like an oasis in the desert. Unfortunately Exit 26 leaves you off in the most congested retail/fast food area you could ever imagine. And not a sign, arrow or inkling of where the Welcome Station might be.

Again in Mass., we followed an exit sign pointing to a Seafood restaurant. Where the exit led us was an industrial park, with no further signage as to where the seafood restaurant or any of the other places advertised might be.

When you are driving a Taurus, or a Mini Coop or any of a hundred small cars, can you just take the 3.5 minutes it takes to clean the snow off your damn roof. Do you not think when you are driving upwards of 80 mph that the snow you were too lazy to remove isn't gonna fly off into the cars behind you? I swear I avoided at least twenty sheets of ice and snow flying right toward me today.

It was encouraging to see windmills and solar panel fields throughout Vermont. Why can't this be done everywhere?

On a fun note...Where can you pull into the parking lot of a diner and hear "Wild Thing" blaring out the speakers? Tilton NH, that's where. The Tilt'n Diner is a total throwback to the 50s, 60s, 70s and it, and the food rocks.

Though not from the diner, dark chocolate mousse with raspberry sauce and toasted hazelnuts is a gift from the heavens.

I don't know how to relax.