My Dad's Journey: A Long Week Later

It's now been a week since my dad was transferred from the hospital to the sub-acute section of the rehab center/nursing home. He has settled into a routine of anxiety and depression. He is unhappy, uncomfortable and unfortunately for him...more lucid than he has been in a while.

Yesterday, he developed a blood clot in his leg. Apparently between his limited mobility and his medical condition, the blood clot situation will continue to be an ongoing concern. You think to yourself, "Is it wrong to hope that a blood clot will offer a quick end to his life?" As opposed to seeing him slowly and painfully slip away. Life is never black or white, but when dealing with illness and quality of life, the gray areas grow larger every day.

Just as there was one day in the hospital where he and I enjoyed a private time with a few smiles and a few short stories, I was lucky to have another since he has been in his new home. But that was several days ago. Since then, his mind has cleared and his speech improved, but this has caused him to be more depressed. Being aware of what is happening to your body is not necessarily a good thing.

Yesterday was my mom's birthday. Today mom & dad were married 64 years. That number is unfathomable to me. We got together at his bed today to celebrate the day.

Everyone in the room, including my father was acutely aware there would not be a 65th anniversary.

Life is not fair, we all know that. Why, when our bodies are the most fragile, are we saddled with the most pain and the loss of all dignity. Watching a man who six months ago could read a medical journal, work on countless Sudoku puzzles and tell you the ERA of every pitcher on his beloved St. Louis Cardinals...not be able to comprehend the up and down buttons to raise or lower the bed...is truly heartbreaking.

As the gray areas of the codes we live by, swirl around us...your hopes for the man you adore change with every visit.  You desperately want him to get better, you know that's not realistic.

So instead, you hope for comfort. For him and for me.

Love you Pops.

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When Nelson and Lynn were in Istanbul...

So began the conversation. Where it went from that point, I don't know...I stopped listening.

As someone who puts fingers to keyboard in an attempt to create some interesting prose from time to time, I find inspiration in the oddest of places. Yesterday, a very mundane conversation about the different alert sounds I use on my Iphone strayed off course, when "the uncle" spoke those seven words.

"When Nelson and Lynn were in Istanbul."  Now, I've met this couple... but that fact had nothing to do with my fascination with that sentence.  Instead my mind raced with the possibilities. The setting had to be something out of a black & white movie from the 1940s.  Who were Nelson and Lynn... and why were they in Istanbul? 

I could almost picture Nelson standing tall in a double breasted suit and a fedora. Lynn in a tailored suit, a large brooch on her lapel...and on her head, a cloche with a large flower.

Were they undercover agents set to infiltrate a Turkish smuggling ring? Or the hot couple from Hollywood about to film a movie? Or were they just a husband and wife from Long Island on vacation?

As a writer, the possibilities are endless, but the challenge is deciding which direction to take. Will I take this contest to the next level? No, I actually know the answer to who Nelson and Lynn are, and why they were in Istanbul. The point of this exercise is to demonstrate how easily the mind can influence the imagination.

So, who are Nelson and Lynn, and why were they in Istanbul?
Use your imagination.

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My Dad's Journey: A New Home

The next step of my dad's journey is complete. He has been moved from the hospital to a rehab center/nursing home. He now resides in the sub-acute section of the facility. It's a nice enough place, and after the second day, we are more than satisfied with the care he is receiving.

The transfer went smooth. We were told what time he would leave the hospital, so my mother and I went to the rehab center to meet him there. After the endless paperwork and questions we were not nearly prepared for, we sat in his room for him to arrive.  When he did a few minutes later, he was nervous, scared and uncomfortable. The first few hours we were there, his mood did not change. We hoped, as we promised him tomorrow would be better...that it was going to be true.

Lucky for all of us...it was. He seemed to like his nurse, and though he said he was not hungry...he asked me when they were bringing dinner.  For the first time since he was hospitalized, I watched as he fed himself. Very slowly and awkwardly...but he did it.

My mother had been there earlier in the day, followed by my brother & sister-in-law. Then the light of his life, his granddaughter and her husband arrived from out of town. To remind him of my parents'  several visits to Hawaii, they brought him a little hula dancer...a plastic toy that shakes her hips.

At first I was unsure of who brought him the toy. When he clarified that it was indeed my beautiful niece, I asked, "oh MC was here?"  "Yes," he said as the most beautiful smile came across his face. He was there in the moment, his mind clear and his vocal skills as good as they had been in months.

As an added treat, we were able to secure a little ice cream...one of his favorite things. He was tired, so I fed it to him and watched him savor each mouthful.

As we left, I felt better about not seeing him for the weekend. We leave him in the hands of the nursing staff and the rest of my family until Monday evening.

When the illness of a family member occurs so quickly, there are so many decisions to be made..and they need to be made quickly. Hopefully we have made the right ones. Comfort, security and good care are really all you hope for.

And a little ice cream at the end of the day.
Love you Pops.
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Say It Ain't So Mo: Mariano Rivera ...ouch

Fuck.

I hate it when that's the first word that comes out of my mouth in the morning. But as I opened my eyes at 4:30 this morning, the local NY TV station began the newscast with the story of the greatest closer of all time, NY Yankee Mariano Rivera tearing his ACL. Fuck seemed to be the appropriate comment at the time.

Put a fork in him...done, at least for the season.

The first inkling of something wrong came through twitter from the Yankees. Mo was hurt shagging fly balls in the outfield during batting practice, something he has always done. A freak injury, catching his foot in the no-man's land where the outfield turf meets the warning track. The next tweet was more ominous. He had been carted off the field. Well that can't be good. Later they would say it was a twisted knee and an MRI in the morning. I saw the replay, the look of pain on his face did not look like a twisted knee. What it did look like was the end of his season. And it is...his career? Maybe.

Did I mention there has been a line of incredible thunderstorms going through? I take it as a sign that God is displeased by the injury to Mo. We, in the NY area have always assumed that God is a Yankee fan.

As I took the dog for a walk, the storm had died down and the rain stopped. That was, until I got to the halfway point of the walk...no-man's land.  Thunder, lightning and torrents of rain. And me & the dog.
Fuck.

Soaked does not even begin to describe the dog, and everything below my knees. My jeans, socks and walking shoes could not have been more wet if I pulled them out of a bathtub filled with water.

So now, is my day going to get better or just be one of those "the world is gonna piss on me today" days?
There is so much to get done today, I cannot even think about giving in to the bad karma.

No retreat, no surrender. For me and hopefully for Mo.

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Junior Seau: Another Sad Ending

You just never know what's going on in someone's mind. Sadly, that fact became evident again yesterday as we learned of the apparent suicide of  former NFL linebacker Junior Seau.

The words of San Diego Charger Coach Norv Tuner, who worked with Seau, stated the feelings we will hear from so many more friends, colleagues and family member in the days to come.


"I have no words to describe the passing of Junior Seau," Turner said. "It is a sad, sad day not only for me but for the whole sports community. . . . I can tell you no one had more character and true leadership ability than Junior. He brought passion to the game of football that was unmatched.


"His commitment to charitable causes in the community was inspiring. It was an honor to know him. My thoughts and prayers are with his family."


But in the end... we will never know where the dark thoughts began or why they would lead to his final decision.

Last year we had a suicide in our family. The effect is profound and long-lasting. There was a tweet this morning from @shanethevein which said "Killing yourself doesn't end the pain. It passes it on to others."


So very true.


To read about my personal experience with the death of my uncle, please read:
"The Word Which Changes Everything: Suicide" on Yahoo Voices.


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