They Put what Up Where? It's Back for 2014

I apologize.
Here we are going into the last week in January and I have yet to post the annual list of things that have become stuck in people's orifices. Or as I like to call it... They stuck what up where?

Yes indeed, the good people at Deadspin have combed the data banks of hospital emergency rooms, so that we may shudder, wince and say "what in the serious fuck were these people thinking?"

So in the immortal words of Flick, let's see what's "stuck, Stuck, STUCK!"

Starting with the Ear:

• a walkie-talkie antenna...hello, hello, anybody home?
• glow stick... I expect if you look in the other ear you would see the light, because it's obvious there's no brain matter inside of that head
• a tampon...I would think the label gives directions for use, perhaps not.

Nose:

• miniature hockey puck... at least they didn't try a full sized one
• 10 sided dice... when a six sided die just isn't enough
• a lithium tablet... clearly this person has other issues
• "used a metal coat hanger to swat a bee off of his neck and coat hanger went up his nose"...this is where I started to get confused

Penis:

• "plastic spoon and perhaps a pencil"...perhaps?
• "stuck a nail in urethra and it migrated up into the bladder"... eew, and painful

 Vagina:

• knitting needles...I can't even
• bag of crystal meth... I think we can imagine the circumstances for this
• bathtub stopper... rub-a-dub-dub
• 10" steak knife... who the hell would do this?
• billiard ball... was it the 8 ball?
• "put a bag of money in the vagina to hide it from her husband"... guess that was someplace he didn't have access to

And last but not least, the Rectum:

• air freshener...someone didn't read the label
• tent stakes... hope it was just for a pup tent
• phone cord...cell phone reception must have been spotty
• ice pick...what's the attraction to sharp, pointy objects?
• rolled up stack of plastic trash bags... no comment
• keys... so you never lose them

People, y'all are messed up. Just stop. Oh and for you guys who "accidentally" fall on a toothbrush holder or can of spray paint or a turkey baster... ain't no one buying that shit.

As usual this was... interesting. And we get to do it again next year.

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A Few Weekend Observations

After spending a relaxing weekend driving over 1000 miles throughout seven states, here are a few things I have noticed.

People have no friggin' clue how to merge onto a highway. When cars on the highway are moving at 70-75 mph and you pull onto the highway doing 40, if I don't hit your ass, I'm gonna be cursing it out.

People in New Hampshire take the 30 mph speed limit a little too seriously. In Jersey, we tend to take it as a suggestion, it works better that way.

People, if I'm doing 75-80 mph, in a 65 mph zone, and the highway is basically empty except for me and you, I would appreciate if you would just pass me instead of riding up my ass.

I truly hate driving in the state of Massachusetts. Crossing over the state line after driving forever through Vermont without a rest area in sight, the words "Welcome Station Exit 26" were like an oasis in the desert. Unfortunately Exit 26 leaves you off in the most congested retail/fast food area you could ever imagine. And not a sign, arrow or inkling of where the Welcome Station might be.

Again in Mass., we followed an exit sign pointing to a Seafood restaurant. Where the exit led us was an industrial park, with no further signage as to where the seafood restaurant or any of the other places advertised might be.

When you are driving a Taurus, or a Mini Coop or any of a hundred small cars, can you just take the 3.5 minutes it takes to clean the snow off your damn roof. Do you not think when you are driving upwards of 80 mph that the snow you were too lazy to remove isn't gonna fly off into the cars behind you? I swear I avoided at least twenty sheets of ice and snow flying right toward me today.

It was encouraging to see windmills and solar panel fields throughout Vermont. Why can't this be done everywhere?

On a fun note...Where can you pull into the parking lot of a diner and hear "Wild Thing" blaring out the speakers? Tilton NH, that's where. The Tilt'n Diner is a total throwback to the 50s, 60s, 70s and it, and the food rocks.

Though not from the diner, dark chocolate mousse with raspberry sauce and toasted hazelnuts is a gift from the heavens.

I don't know how to relax.