Tuesday, July 24, 2012

My Dad's Journey: Three Months Later

Almost three months now. That's how long it has been since our family dynamic changed forever.

I miss my Dad. Although I see him five days out of seven each week, the man who raised me, taught me, and nurtured me..no longer exists. In his place is a haunted soul, painfully aware his life will never get better and terrified of what might still lie ahead.

Yet, he loves me and I know it. And I love him and he knows it. And that is the only thing which makes this nightmare tolerable. There are no longer any smiles when he sees me, no questions about my day. The conversation, such as it is, begins and ends with some worry he has at that moment.

Every action by his caretakers is suspicious. He cannot be convinced there are reasons for their actions, so all activities outside the norm are scary at best. He is getting more confused on certain things, still crystal clear on others.

Recently my niece and her husband were in Chicago. My nephew was able to bring home some ivy from clippings off the outfield wall at Wrigley Field. They brought these clippings from Chicago to Boston, and finally to Jersey...and my Dad. He is so proud of that ivy. It is one of the few things he has deemed "important." It was worth the dumpster dive, Ken...he treasures it.

It has become apparent that he has given up. He goes through the motions of eating, but only because we are there to push him. A food he ate today, may be something he won't even consider tomorrow. Yesterday was the first time he mentioned actual pain. Could it be the cancer is starting to rear its ugly head.. I don't know. I do know he has been lucky to be in so little pain thus far.

He cries so easily now. Goodbyes are increasingly painful for all of us. There no longer is any joy in the visits. We do what we need to do because of the man he was. He deserves this...and so much more.

But at the end of the day...I miss my Dad.

Love you Pops.



  1. I'm so sorry Kat. My heart just breaks for you. Know that you and your father are in my thoughts and prayers. And...you know where to find me if you need to chat.

  2. thanks so much A. and yes, i always seem to find you when i need to. i'll never forget that you're always around for some much needed laughs at the end of the night. friends are a good thing to have.

  3. Kat, Your love for your dad is as strong as your words!

    Hugs all around my sista...... xxoo

  4. feeling them everyday...words cannot convey how much your love and support means. always has. xoxo

  5. Hey there...I know I have been a stranger of late, but always here in need...remember that.
    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, Kat..

  6. Teen L said it better than I could. That one sentence sums up everything. Love is a strong thing.

    I've only known you for a very short time but just know that someone is thinking and praying for you and your family today.

  7. and knowing you understand this as well as you do, because you have lived it...means a lot. thanks jim.